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Ovenstående spørgsmål har jeg fra Daniel Bauns fantastiske bog om meningsfylde og formålsdrevet forretning: “Heartcore Business” . Et spørgsmål som man, i min optik, med fordel kan spørge sig selv om hver dag.

Jeg har om nogen anden, lært på den hårde måde at prioritere mig selv. Når jeg fortæller mine veninder, at jeg søger at sætte mig selv først eller prioritere mig selv først og fremmest, er det ikke ualmindeligt, at jeg får at vide, at jeg er lidt egoistisk.

Jeg hører også tit følgende kommentar: “mine børn kommer i første række”. Sådan troede jeg også, at tingene hang sammen på et tidspunkt. Før jeg blev mor, og faktisk også mens min dreng var lille. Faktisk var alt andet vigtigere end mig. Mit job, venner og familie, mit hus – jeg kunne blive ved. Det var meget vigtigere at have travlt og være pligtopfyldende end at stoppe op og mærke mig selv. Hvorfor? ja, det er jo så spørgsmålet, som jeg stiller mig selv dagligt. Hver dag udfordrer jeg mit motiv for handling, og ofte er det ikke særlig kønt, det jeg får øje på. Altså mit motiv for handling. Men jeg er af den holdning, at jeg jo ikke kan ændre på uhensigtsmæssig adfærd, som jeg ikke er bevidst omkring. Derfor træner jeg min bevidsthed omkring egen adfærd, når jeg bliver opslugt, fortravlet og uden nærvær. Groft skitseret ved jeg, at mit hjerte i disse perioder lukker ned. Det er en forsvarsmekanisme, der bunder i et system, som jeg har tilegnet mig som barn, hvor det ofte var svært at være, den jeg er.  Præstation blev et middel til anerkendelse, men samtidig en begrænsning og en belastning i mit liv. En dulmen af ubearbejdede følelser, som var, og kan være svære at være i.

Det resulterede i en alvorlig stresssygemelding. Dette billede er selvfølgelig et forenklet billede, for der var andre faktorer i spil, men på det tidspunkt var det slet ikke gået op for mig, hvor galt det stod til. Jeg troede, det ville tage et par dage at komme mig, men det tog næsten to år at komme op i normale omdrejninger igen. Først da min dreng blev alvorligt syg, så forstod jeg budskabet. Et budskab der var blevet skåret ud i pap af flere omgange, men som jeg ikke var klar til at kigge på før min dreng blev syg. Et budskab om at tage ansvar. For mit liv.

“Én hånd fuld af hvile er bedre end begge hænder fulde af møje og jag efter vind”. Prædikeren 4:6

Nu forholder det sig jo ikke sådan, at jeg ikke indretter mig efter min dreng og hans behov. Selvfølgelig gør jeg det. Men sandheden er, at hvis jeg ikke passer på mig selv, så har jeg svært ved at lytte og mærke hans behov og ikke mindst mine egne. Mit nærvær forsvinder. Jeg forsvinder fra mig selv.  Og hvis jeg ikke passer på mig selv, bliver stresset og udkørt, hvem skal så passe på min dreng?

Derfor øver jeg mig hver dag i egenomsorg og medfølelseshandlinger. At nærværstræne hver dag. At prioritere mig selv. Nogle gange er det meditation i 20 min. andre gange måske kun 10 min. Det kan også være en løbe/gåtur i skoven eller et langt bad. Det kan også være, at jeg blot stopper op for at trække vejret dybt et par gange.

Måden jeg i sin tid tog ansvar på, var for det første at få noget hjælp af en psykolog. Derefter tog jeg nogle intensive selvudviklingskurser hos Lifeacademy, hvor jeg har landet mange vigtige indsigter. Det har været med til at åbne mit hjerte, også selvom det fra tid til anden stadigvæk lukker ned, så har jeg fået livsvigtige værktøjer til at arbejde på at gøre min historie til et kæmpe læringspotentiale.

Det handler om at være i accept, med den jeg er og de følelser, der nu banker på. At være afbalanceret. Det er mit mål lige nu. At være den bedste version af selv og være opmærksom på, hvad jeg giver mit hjerte væk til.

Hvad giver du dit hjerte væk til?

 

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